Comedian Dane Cook opened “Saturday Night Live’s” 32nd season with yet another of his sub-par monologues. Cook jumped right in with a joke similar to the “Debbie Downer” skit starring former cast member and resident ugly, Rachel Dratch. He commented that there’s “negative people” out there trying to put down his elating moments with phrases like “I have cancer of the lip” or “Oh yeah, Tommy, he’s got herpes.” Why is the supposedly edgy sketch series using Cook as a “Momma bird” and regurgitating jokes down our throats? I guess the Tina Fey-less writers wanted to give Dane a hand with his spinach fresh material. After the “Downer” joke he segued into a routine about the differences in identifying male and female liars. Moderate laugher and uncovered coughs ensued. Then he went into a bit that’s fast becoming this decade’s “What’s the deal with airports/planes/plane food?” YouTube. Dane’s attempted witticism on the popular video site had him dancing and singing the lyrics “A, colon, F6″ in an effort to imitate a kid performing said song. Crickets were quickly audible. I can’t understand why a comedy show (”SNL”) from a last placed network (“PAX” “NBC”) decided to reuse Dane Cook as a host. Tonight’s episode needed to break out of the gates bucking and snorting with pure comedic flare and end with a metaphorical rodeo clown being impaled by the horns of originality. Instead audiences got a recycled stand-up comedian and a case of chronic boredom (the only cure is heroin). At least “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” shows some level of hope, and hopefully even “30 Rock.” Actually, all three shows should merge into one comedic conglomerate. Well, maybe not. Rachel Dratch could end up as the face of the company.
What did you think of Dane Cook’s opener? Comment below.
posted on 12:07 am 10/01/2006Headlines, Reviews, TV | Comments (1) | Permalink |
In all of recorded history there has never been an animated show as witty, cutting-edge, and astute to current events and pop culture as “South Park.” Starting its tenth season next week, “South Park” has made millions laugh and think about everything from race, religion, sexuality, talking towels, sexuality of pets, and the Mormons. In addition to the six Emmy nominations and recent George Foster Peabody award, co-creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker wanted to commemorate this crowning achievement in television with a first volume of memorable episodes. “People always ask us, ‘What’s your favorite episode?’ And I say, ‘It’s so hard. It’s like choosing between your children.’ But then I would have no problem choosing between my children. It would be the tall, smart one,” say Matt Stone and Trey Parker. Join Matt and Trey as they take a stroll through the first volume of ten classic episodes that made the world stand still, then puke on the girl they like.
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Most people experience movies in a plush theatre or from the comfort of their own home, but I witnessed last Saturday’s world premier of The Disney Channel’s The Cheetah Girls 2 while eating at the Ancient China buffet (they make a mean crab rangoon). The follow-up to Disney’s popular made-for-tv-movie The Cheetah Girls reunites characters Galleria, Chanel, Aquanette (also a hairspray brand name), and Dorinda in a musical adventure from New York City to Barcelona, Spain. Why Spain? The quartet has always hoped and dreamed to compete there in the New Voices of Musical Festival. Sadly, upon arrival to the once superpower country, intra-band turmoil ensues and morale reaches an all time low after seeing and hearing the tough competition, solo singer Marisol. The film then turns into a cinematic paella filled rare chunks of humor and slices of undercooked fun. I quickly lost appetite after being force fed several random musical sequences of the girls galavanting their way around the Spanish cityscape.
The songs are meant clarify and expand a story, but the girls’ computer modified voices couldn’t even carry a tune or a plot. This ruins the sequel’s pacing for what could have been an award-winning screenplay from Alison Taylor (The Cheetah Girls). Sloppy writing Alison. Real sloppy. 
To help the momentum, the foursome is joined by a “mysterious guitar-strumming” local named Angel (Spanish for closet queen) who provides the classical Spanish tones the group’s sub-par music desperately needs. Unfortunately, he’s drowned out by the overproduced Cheetah cacophony clinically proven to cause inner ear bleeding (ask your doctor before Netflix’ing this film). While watching this waste of celluloid, I thought to myself “Cheetahs are interesting animals, I’ll look them up on Wikipedia after I get my fill of General Tso’s chicken.” At home and digesting, I skimmed the entry and was astonished to learn that cheetahs can run up to 70 miles per hour. This fact caused quite the consternation when I tried to discover the meaning behind the group’s name. Nothing about the four Cheetah Girls’ sizes even suggest the concept of “moving” let alone “fast.”
For some reason Disney didn’t realize their target audience of young girls have images to uphold. How a company touting to own the “happiest place on Earth” can cast rotund actresses knowing full well teenage girls have to be less than 90 pounds if they want guys to talk to them, is beyond this reviewer and probably even world-renowned physicists Steven Hawking. I’m blow away why family focus groups haven’t sent an avalanche of hate mail to The Disney Channel for erroneously depicting 17 year olds. All in all, The Cheetah Girls 2 fails to pounce (Rotten Tomatoes, there’s your line). Sequels are always supposed to be equal or better than the original (e.g. Godfather II, Son of the Mask, and Terminator 2: Judgment Day), yet this TV-Movie doesn’t live up to it predecessor at all. Keep your fingers crossed Disney green lights another installment to round out the trilogy. Maybe the the plot will center around the girls trying to get a lucrative exercise video contract. Take notes screenwriter Alison Taylor.
Send all negative comments about this review to:
The Disney Channel
500 S Buena Vista St. MC 9722
Burbank, CA 91521-9722
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Tyra Banks is deathly afraid of dolphins. Jessica Alba turns them on. Two very real stories, one very insane supermodel. C&V thought Banks took the cake with her phobia, but then we came across an episode of “Maury” hosted by Connie Chung’s husband, Maury Povich, showcasing some real nut jobs. Prepare to split your sides and break a rib watching these women talk about their phobias to all things American: pickles, birds, balloons, mustard and dogs. That’s not a typo. There’s someone who actually goes apeshit at the sight of yellow mustard. Enjoy.
Pickles:
Birds & Mustard:
Balloons:
Dogs:
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55 years, 1 month, and 19 days ago today TV personality Tony Danza was born. C&V would like to honor Tony and welcome our newest writer, Jim, by posting his thoughts on the “Tony Danza Show.” - amit
Oh, Tony Danza. What went wrong? Ok everything. You couldn’t box, you couldn’t act, and you keep telling yourself you can carry a tune. Unfortunately somebody upstairs keeps humoring the guy and letting him try to and do a number at the end of each painful episode of the “The Tony Danza Show.” I just feel awful for that poor female pianist who accompanies him as the credits roll by as fast as possible so nobody’s family is shamed by leaking the fact that they contribute to such a mess of a show. Holy run-on.
Anyway, the guy is just awkward all over the damn place. It’s like watching “Curb Your Enthusiasm” (a great show), but the situational discomfort is magnified because it’s non-fiction – the guy is actually doing his best at interviewing his unfortunate guests. It makes you wonder how many agents get fired after booking a client on this atrocity of a program. It also makes you wonder what sort of person could actually endure the live show. Women seem to account for a pretty solid 95% of the audience usually, with a few very angry and embarrassed husbands tucked into the back row. Are these people that desperate to get on television? Are they clinging to some overwhelming and twisted sentiment for Danza’s “Who’s the Boss?” days Or perhaps they all just find him very attractive.
Ok, maybe not.
However, there are many other questions yet to be answered about Mr. Danza’s many mysteries yet to be revealed. This man refuses to go quietly out of semi-stardom, and now we must all pay for his stubbornness by means of an astonishing drop in public television quality from 1 to 2am (for god’s sake DO NOT check your local listings).
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