Archive for the 'TV' Category

Which Lost Character Are You? by dan

We’ve done a couple of these things around here. First there was the “Which type of leading man/lady are you” test (I was Jimmy Stewart). Then there was the “Which Pulp Fiction character are you” test (I was a Jimmie). And now, we bring you the “Which Lost character are you” test. I’m a Jack.

posted on 12:38 am 05/15/2006
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Kirk Krack: “Diving Expert,” My Ass by dan

David Blaine and Kirk Krack: I Hate You. You wasted 2 hours of my life. Two hours that I’ll never get back. Two hours that I could have spent curing cancer or murdering orphans. Kirk Krack, this post is for you.

Thousands of readers have asked us, “Who is Kirk Krack? And how can he call himself a ‘diving expert’ if he can’t even make a human hold his breath for 9 minutes?” Well, readers, we value you and we never stop in pursuit of the truth. Come with us as we rag on the most worthless man in diving, Kirk Krack.

Kirk. In a trash can. Where he belongs.

Some readers have asked what exactly Kirk did to “train” David Blaine. Here is a picture too gruesome to post of Krack post-Blaine-”workout.” Some people have asked, “Do you have that still of Krack from that German Shizer movie?” And, well, the answer is, “only from chest up.” You can find it here. And some readers have asked, “What does Kirk Krack look like naked in the snow?” And you can find that here. The sad thing is, these are all real pictures. And finally, some have asked, “Now that David Blaine and Kirk Krack are unemployed has-been failures, what’s next?” Well, you heard it here first, MOVIE DEAL. Below is the poster.

posted on 11:05 pm 05/08/2006
Exclusives, TV | Comments (1) | Permalink |

David Blaine FAILS [UPDATE x2] by amit

David Blaine, amateur magician and man of mysterious race, has failed the stunt of passing the world record of 8 minutes and 58 seconds underwater. His official time was 7 mins 8 seconds. The real magic? Somehow women continued to cheer for the failed “magician” yelling, “We love you David!”, while his nimble body was removed from the Sphere of Uselessness. Truly mind blowing. As David was removed from his bubble abode, ABC forced a mic into his face for a few words. Blaine cried,

“I’m humbled so much by the support the people of New York have given me. [What I want now is the piece of mind that no one will harp on my ridiculously shriveled 'Blaine Jr.']…thank you all, I love you all.”

Failure also means impotency.

Reports the (”we’re slower than C&V”) AP:

As early as the second day of his challenge, [Dr. Murat Gunel, head of Blaine's medical team and associate professor of neurosurgery at Yale University School of Medicine], said, there was evidence that Blaine was suffering liver failure; the medical team consulted with medical experts at NASA before stabilizing his condition. Blaine’s underwater environment was similar to the weightlessness experienced by astronauts in outer space, he said.

“I told him he needed to get out of the water, and he refused me,” Gunel said. “He said he did not want to let the people down.”

Hey, David Blaine, I got a news flash for ya. You let “the people” down. You let down innocent New Yorkers like Linda “Nucking Futs” Brady. Here’s the AP again:

Linda Brady, of New York City, brought along a boom box and loudly played Jennifer Lopez’s “My Love is All I Have.” Blaine appeared to respond by bopping to the beat.

“I just love him,” Brady said. “He has a creative mind just like me, and he’s crazy just like me.”

Good to know that the crazies are self-aware… Arguably most disapointed by Blaine’s collossal waste of time is Kirk Krack, Blaine’s “trainer” and “diving expert.”

Ka-Ka-Krack winces at failure

Kirk had hoped his watchful hand would guide Blaine to success. A success so great it would erase 34 long years of humility for being named “Kirk Krack.” Sadly, Krack, it looks like 34 more years of the same.

UPDATE: Kirk Krack: Diving Expert, My Ass

UPDATE 2: Here’s the footage from last night of Blaine’s failure. Although he did succede in making the tank saltier with his tears.

posted on 8:52 pm 05/08/2006
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My Two Indian Head Pennies: “American Idol” [UPDATE] by amit

The complaints have been pouring in on Dan’s article titled “Paris: Great City, Homeless Singer”, so let me address everyone with a piece I’m calling “My Two Indian Head Pennies.”

“American Idol.” I’ve always had reservations about the mega-hit FOX show. But now, after seeing the scalping Paris Bennett received last night, I’m down right red (with anger). I say shame on you non-native America. Don’t you realize there will be no peace pipe to smoke once riots erupt all over the nation? There’s no way to bury the tomahawk on pure hate. The road to equality will become an outright Trail of Tears, a Part Deux, if you will (read about Part Un), if racism continues unchecked. But I want to avoid a loin-cloth laden, spear chuckin’ war in the streets. A wise chief once said, “I have a dream catcher” and in keeping with the unholy spirit he believed in, I’m calling for the cancellation of the prejudice pow wow, better known as “American Idol.” Maybe one day I too will catch a dream and end the on-going hate that’s occurred well below the totem pole of mainstream America. Thank You.

UPDATE: Well slap me silly and call me Sacagawea. My dad just called and said I’ve got my races mixed up. It seams I’m writing about the wrong Indian (I still get confused). I’m the Asian sub-continent kind, not the “North America was our continent first” kind. How embarrassing. Ignore all that drunkin’ Injun talk up there.

My real two cents?

I like curries.

posted on 11:37 am 05/04/2006
Headlines, TV | Comments (1) | Permalink |

“Lost” Has Gone Crazy by dan

Okay. First of all, last night’s episode featured a fake commerical. This fake commercial featured a phone number 1-877-HANSORG. If you called this number, you got the Hanso Foundation’s answering machine. You can check out what that sounds like here. Next, they added a book to their website (and amazon.com, and barnesandnoble.com and every other book site in the world). This book, “Bad Twin,” is the latest piece of fiction from author, Gary Troup… who was aboard Oceanic Flight 815. Prehaps you remember Sawyer reading the manuscript to “Bad Twin” in last night’s episode. Troup’s previous “non-fiction” works include, “The Valenzetti Equation” which is summarized as follows:

What if a mathematical equation could predict the apocalypse? Using recently-declassified material and hundreds of hours of interviews with former employees of the United Nations and prominent members of the defense and academic establishment, best-selling author Gary Troup turns his finely honed sense of mystery toward one of the most vexing mathematical riddles of our time.

Booyakasha. Read more about Gary Troup and his book here.

And finally, the real reason “Lost” has gone crazy. They murdered the two people that got DUIs last December (Ana Lucia + Hurley’s crush). That’s right. JJ Abrams kills people who get DUIs. So let this be a lesson to everyone: Don’t drink and drive and work in TV.

“Goodbye Fame. I liked liquor more.”

posted on 3:48 am 05/04/2006
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