There’s a fever rising and it’s about to shatter the thermometer of pop culture. Medicate and prepare yourselves for the six season of “American Idol,” one of the most popular television shows to showcase both raw talent and humiliation in an all too familiar extravaganza. Randy, Paula, and that black t-shirt-wearing Brit, Simon, will debut Monday, January 15th on the only network synonymous with class, FOX. And to commemorate the comeback we wanted to showcase our September 3rd, 2006 trip to the “A.I.” audition in Memphis, TN once again. Here’s a little fun for the new readers out there as well as chance for those who have seen it prior to laugh and cry all over again. Enjoy what could be the only cure for AI-mania…
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We all remember failed abortion turned child star turned “Prince D-bag” Joey Lawrence. From his bout on “Blossom” to his…last episode on “Blossom,” he proved that even those with mental capacities on par with Corky from “Life Goes On” can somehow surpass 15 minutes of fame. But now, after being booted from ABC’s “Dancing With The Stars,” he’s got a one-way ticket back to obscurity (airport code: OBS). The dance off aired a few nights ago with Joey “Whoa” Lawrence leaving in disgrace dressed as, you guessed it, a flaming, bald sailor. We decided to commemorate Joey’s return to nowhere-dom with some memorable moments in his star-studded-crossed career. Let’s begin…
In 1984, an 8-year-old Joey appeared on the “Today Show” with then black Bryant Gumbel to do a skit for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. The godawful acting had lil Joey dying to learn how they filled the parade balloons. So who comes to save the day? Why none other than a mysterious clown. Don’t bother watching the entire out-of-sync catalyst to JL’s shoddy career.
The “Today Show” appearance somehow gave Joe the skill set to later co-star on the series “Blossom” accounting for the only recognizable bullet on his IMDB rap sheet. Can anyone remember his character’s name? It was Joey. That’s right. The rejected MENSA member had to use his own name to avoid confusion with reality whenever he dialogued with his “fake sis” Blossom, played by Mayim Bialik (Russian for “llama face”). Now that’s “Whoa.”
Now comes the part of the post where we share with our readers the late Terry Schiavo’s music video of the day in a segment aptly titled “Schiavo Shares.” Had she been alive today, the deaf, blind, brain-dead bombshell and sole fan of Joey Lawrence’s self-titled 1993 album would have definitely picked its single, “Nothin’ My Love Can’t Fix.” I can almost hear her humming the song in a single monotonic drone. We miss you T…
We’d like to round off Joey’s illustrious fall from grace with pics from his last night of fame: his dance on “Dancing With The Stars.”
Need more insight on worthless careers? Check out K-Fed’s American Express “My Life, My Card” Ad.
Thanks Nicole for the article idea. (NB: Terry Schiavo wasn’t her idea. I will burn in Christian hell for that by myself.)
posted on 6:23 pm 11/16/2006Headlines, TV | Comments (8) | Permalink |
You’ve seen the “My Life, My Card” print and television ads of celebrities answering a clever questionnaire created by the most elite of credit card companies, American Express. Notables such as writer/director M. Night Shyamalan, golf phenom Tiger Woods, token Asian actor Ken Watanabe (Memoirs of a Geisha, The Last Samurai) and even lesbian Ellen DeGeneres have all given their two cents of cash back to let the world in on their favorite movies, fondest memories, and inspirations. For instance Shyamalan’s biggest challenge was “not letting [his] work make [him] unhappy.” I don’t know about him, but if I directed Lady in the Water, I’d be snorting Zoloft through a roll of ecstasy just to crack a smile. In addition to M. Night’s ad, Blasian Tiger Woods had some meaningful responses. Here’s his full answer list:
childhood amibition: to beat dad in a game of golf.
fondest memory: riding my bike and skateboard all the time.
soundtrack: anything 80’s and early 90’s
retreat: underwater shooting fish
wildest dream: winning the Masters
proudest moment: winning the Masters
biggest challenge: how can I become a better person tomorrow
alarm clock: 5:00 AM sharp!
perfect day: surf, ski, golf, and spearfish in the same day
first job: cart boy
indulgence: my boat
last purchase: my friends new album from Hootie and the Blowfish
favorite movie: Caddyshack
inspiration: my parents
My life: is hectic
My card: is American Express
How touching. Oddly enough the credit card that’s accepted at most “whites only” establishments failed to publish a number of celebrity surveys. Why? We believe they were too damn honest. Our C&V CFO called AmEx to 1) contest charges for suggestive DVDs from fun-with-goats.com and to 2) get a hold of the unreleased candid questionnaires. Here they are for your enjoyement. It’s a shame they didn’t use these…
childhood amibition: to be a thetan level 10
fondest memory: memories mean psychology and we all know that’s a load of crap.
soundtrack: top gun
retreat: my favorite bar Log Jammers
wildest dream: to meet Lord Xenu
proudest moment: jumping on Oprah’s couch
biggest challenge: kissing humans with two X chromosomes
alarm clock: Suri crying after escaping from her hibernation chamber
perfect day: Nicole Kidman calls me crying to say, “I’m sorry Tom. I’ll be a Scientologist. I won’t wear heels.” And then I hang up.
first job: taking care of a card-counting ‘tard
indulgence: golden DC-8’s
last purchase: Battlefield Earth: Director’s Cut DVD
favorite movie: cocktail
inspiration: the little kid from Jerry Maguire and Katie Kate what’s-her-face
My life: is awesome! Yeeeah! Wooooo!
My card: won’t buy prescription drugs.
childhood amibition: to be a gooder rapper
fondest memory: my weddings
soundtrack: whatever makes me look black
retreat: a leather sectional AKA my crib
wildest dream: to be a father figure
proudest moment: downing 2 easy cheese’s in a minute
biggest challenge: people taking my music serially
alarm clock: what’s that?
perfect day: one without my mom calling me k-fag
first job: can’t ‘member my last one
indulgence: my bling electric toof brush with spinners
last purchase: 3 t-bell crunchwrap supremes
favorite movie: crossroads 2 fast, 2 furious
inspiration: vanilla ice
My life: is a walking punchline.
My card: must still be co-signed by Brit even though we no mo’
childhood amibition: to become a big star
fondest memory: when the mc’rib first came out
soundtrack: anything off “how stella got her groove back”
retreat: ben & jerry’s
wildest dream: to visit Willy Wonka’s factory
proudest moment: leaving “the view”
biggest challenge: proving my gay husband is strait
alarm clock: my deep frier has a timer on it
perfect day: sun bathing in malibu without being confused for a beached orca or a sleeping manatee
first job: a helipad
indulgence: my walk-in fridge
last purchase: stripper exercise videos
favorite movie: my big fat greek wedding
inspiration: those hard-working keebler elves
My life: is being a lawyer.
My card: best not have a limit or someone’s gonna get slapped.
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Everyone, including VH1, knows former-child-star Danny Bonaduce is a loon. For starters he spent all season of his reality show, “Breaking Bonaduce,” drinking, punching and turning red redder with anger every time wife Gretchen did anything. Now Bonaduce is back behind the camera with a second season of his show hopefully with more drunken high jinks, but probably not. The littlest Partridge has gone to rehab and is now sober. Boooooooring. Watch with C&V and judge for yourself thanks to a free iPod-compatible copy of the season 2 premier.
Get the free episode of the second season opener over at iTunes.
Click 
to make the jump.
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The first few episodes of Season 3 have brought a number of new characters onto “Lost,” including a smug Other and two n00b survivors from Fligth 815.
First is new guy Paolo (Rodrigo Santoro), who apparently didn’t benefit from the shower, sinks, and mirrors that Locke and company had access to when the hatch was still intact:
The other new Lostie is Nikki (Kiele Sanchez), who in her very first scene yells at Hurley. Great first impression. She looks like Ali Larter, who may finally earn some credibility on NBC’s “Heroes,” which you should try watching if you’re not already:
And last but not least is Jack’s new gatekeeper, Juliet (Elizabeth Mitchell), who famously did a nude scene with Angelina Jolie in a made-for-TV movie about… oh, who cares. With her boobs covered up, we have nothing much to look at but the obnoxious smug smirk she has permanently plastered on her face.
P.S. I hate Juliet.
But man oh man, do I love this show.
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