Archive for the 'News' Category

Paris: Great City, Homeless Singer by dan

Paris Bennett was voted off of American Idol last night because American Idol is racist. What’s that? You don’t believe me? You think I’m in the wrong? Well, I’m not. American Idol is racist. No one non-white ever wins. Kellie Pickler was voted off and I agreed with that… But I don’t agree with this. Paris should have won the whole damn thing.

Let’s recount famous racists:

1) Hitler
2) Randy Jackson

And now… Clay Aiken kissing a giraffe.

Please send all complaints about this article to Amit, our resident person of color.

posted on 3:37 am 05/04/2006
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Pick Pickler No More by dan

Kellie Pickler, my future wife, was voted off of American Idol tonight. We first fell in love with the blonde, country darling many moons ago while she was honing her vocal chops at her local Sonic eatery. But what’s the future hold for a girl that wears an outfit like this? And sings like this? Come with C&V and find out.

Kellie Pickler’s Future Job Market

1) Sweet love in the back of my ‘Vette at Sonic

2) Homelessness

3) Bring Long Honor to Home Country

4) Wishin’ in one hand, Shittin’ in another. Seein’ which fills up first.

5) Birthin’ my quintuplets

posted on 10:51 pm 04/26/2006
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Britney Spears Pregnant… Again by dan

According to the Chicago Sun Times, Britney Spears is pregnant again. Now, the Chicago Sun Times just believes whatever they hear. They’re not “real” journalism. They’re just small time, has been, nobody-reads-them-anymore fare. And so, the Chicago Sun Times can get away with reporting unvarified truth. We here at Celluloid and Vinyl, however, must go a step further. We have journalistic integrity (and the google cache to prove it). So we had to go and find some sort of sonogram or something to varify Spears’ pregnacy. Click the picture below to learn what Britney and baby #2 look like.

Spears takes K-Fed out to play with his racecar

posted on 1:30 pm 04/26/2006
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Mandisa Axed To Leave by amit

Last night a large but skinny portion of American voted off idol favorite Mandisa Hundley (better known as Grimace) from the remaining six Idol contestants. Now that she’s jobless, Mandisa took some time off to speak with People magazine’s Monica Rizzo about her 14 minutes and 57 seconds of fame. Regrettably, after Rizzo asked the hard hitting questions the unisex celebrity rag edited most of Mandisa’s compelling answers. Our readers know we’d be remiss if we let the full story slip by. So, our C&V news print media correspondents contacted Monica and she graciously coughed up the entire interview transcript. Thanks Mo Mo for the exclusive!

You’ve been compared to season two winner Ruben Studdard. How do you feel about that?

I love Ruben, so I’ll take it. I think there’s a little double standard when it comes to [biggie sized] males compared to [super sized] females. [C'mon we're two different people, with different vocal ranges and fast food tastes. He likes Wendy's, and I'm all about Mc'Donalds]….Tell Ruben to call me [tomorrow so we can do lunch, siesta, a snack, dinner and a midnight snack....oh and dessert.]

Does that mean you have a little crush on Ruben?

Yeah, I do. He’s got to call me. I’m not going to call him. [This Chinese take-out can't deliver the MuShu 'less Ruben picks up the phone.]

As a confident plus-size woman, you’ve become a role model to your fans. What’s that like?

It’s so humbling. I didn’t set out to be a role model – I was just being me. [Paula kept slurring, "If singing doesn't work out, you'll be a beautiful backup singer." I was so touched. But then Simon ruined the moment by adding "Or an entire orchestra". That night, I never cried and ate more peanut butter M&M's in my entire life.]

I heard you sucked your thumb for 24 years.

I think it has affected my teeth, but I don’t think it’s affected my voice too much. [Plus, if your thumb tasted like cotton candy, like mine, you would too.]

[That's gross.]
[Lick it bitch.]

Seacrest “out”, proud and into women’s shoes.

And now Mandisa goes golfing with her fast food buddies.

posted on 3:17 pm 04/06/2006
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Village People Singer Screwed by (the) Man! by dan

Our friends at the AP just sent me a text message. The “Policeman” from the flaming disco group, “The Village People” is facing jail time. In many circles, the “Policeman” simply goes by the name “Rusty Trombone,” but legally he answers to Victor Willis. And now, young Victor is doomed to a living hell… Jail. A place without privacy. A place where you shower right alongside your soapy, wet, naked jail breathren. A place where promiscuous, unprotected homosexual sex is forced upon poor innocent virgins like Mr. Willis.

What’s all the uproar about? Why’s 54-year-old, Victor “Rusty Trombone” Willis riding the A-train to the slammer? I’ll let the AP do the talking:

Willis was arrested last year on charges of possessing a gun and cocaine, but he disappeared after agreeing to a plea deal that set a maximum sentence of 16 months behind bars… He was re-arrested on Sunday and the singer is due in court on Tuesday

No doubt, Willis was scared. The threat of a living hell–of having naked jail love on a daily basis, sometimes multiple times a day–struck him to the core and he simply had to flee. Yet, here’s the irony. Those lost months on the lam will up Willis’ sentence from 16 months to Four Freaking Years behind bars. It seems that in his fear-clouded mind, young Willis has unknowingly TRIPLED his jail time.

Willis poses with a gun and some cocaine

We here at Celluloid And Vinyl have gained access to the exclusive phone conversation of Willis turning himself in. Click below to read the transcript:

[more...]

posted on 5:46 pm 03/28/2006
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