I don’t care what the G-ratings advertise, those buxomous, Barbie doll, mid-riff baring bodies on display by the various Disney princesses are the equivalent of softcore porn. Sure, the Disney princesses are hot, as Amit so lovingly pointed out to us earlier, but let’s get real: dweeby animators stuffed in dark subterranean areas are going to need an outlet for their, er, hyper-animated imaginations.
So, in the spirit of Disney magic, I’ve decided to turn the tables and do a counterpoint for Disney’s most enchanting leading blokes and beaus. Ladies, cream of the crop coming up, Open sesame!
Editor’s Note: Guys get jealous, what can we say? Just the thought of Lindsey salivating over these goofies made me almost angry enough to break something, do steroids, and buy a Hummer H2 (because I’m compensating). That’s why I decided to show Lindsey what these characters would look like in real life. Click each of the pics to discover their shocking real-world identities. -Amit
10. Aladdin
Clearly a salient choice, for any young, coffee-colored male running around topless in flowing white pants is the equivalent of a galloping Arabian stallion. His flying carpet also will make for some quality airborne shagging, dare I say mile-high club folks? His ball-tickler monkey Abu is also on hand to spice things up, and would be good to have around for petty theft in case your expensive tastes run counter to Aladdin’s economic standing.
9. Quasimodo
I just can’t get enough of Quasi’s there’s nothing like a hunchback with Mt. Rushmore for a backside that sets fire to a woman’s loins. This is truly a fine, unique male specimen. Plus, he swings from bell-towers and all.
8. Peter Pan
For you bi-nookie ladies, Peter Pan is one hot androgynous looking fairy. Pan fulfills every woman’s fantasy for a Prada buying, tight wearing, feather-in-his cap, flaming gay best friend. He shacks up with the Lost Boys, residing primarily to help them, um, find their way home. This is the way to go if you want to be the next Debra Lafave.
7. Triton
Now this is what I call a DILF. King Triton is the paradigm of male potency distilled and bottled, then distilled again. Those rippling pecs and fierce white beard, not to mention ownership of the ultimate phallic symbol the three pronged trident equals jackpot. Any guy that has a weapon and knows how to use it is golden on my list.
6. Hercules
He’s Greek, ’nuff said. Any character from classical lore (aka the days of public coital romper-room) that betters Michelangelo’s David is one orgiastic legend. Son of Zeus, Demi-God, and 12-pack abs with tawny golden locks are just a few of my favorite things. I don’t care if he wears a man-dress, he’s a HERO for godssake.
5. Simba
Can YOU feel the love tonight? This one hot cat cruises the Serengeti plains like a pimp rounding up his wildebeests. Hands down, best hair award goes to Simba—thank goodness we don’t have to worry about male pattern baldness (or some Viagra to go with it). And even better, he rolls just like Vince with his Warthog and Meekrat entourage.
4. Dopey
Having a history with mute men, I have a soft spot in my heart for Dopey. For a baby-faced shortie who “ain’t never tried to talk before,” Dopey is just off the charts on the cutie-meter. That dildo-in-a-hat somehow manages to perfectly accentuate his Dumbo flaps this is a guy with a few tricks that might belie his innocence.
3. Beast
Hunk-of-a-Bigfoot is a transformable human, AND he has a magic rose! Since he managed not to impale Beauty with his two razor sharp cuspids during their beastly makeout sessions, the animal gets mad props. See, Beauty really is more than skin deep—she just really likes to wear fur…
2. Pinocchio
After a short stint at “Pleasure Island” (AKA Herpes Harbor) that proves to be the film’s genuine storyline, Pinocchio confirms that he really isn’t a donkey in a “Boys Gone Wild” video. Baaaa. Any wooden toy that can make (visibly) real on his perky declaration: “Look Pa! I’m a REAL boy!” is just…well, special. And finally, the Disney animators decided not to sugarcoat human sexuality: it’s literally all in the “Fu@#-me-but-I’m-lying” face.
1. Tarzan
Living evidence that white men can’t jump is the most erroneous movie in Hollywood. A real swinger here ladies, don’t let this loin-clothed “I-only-speak-to-animals” playa’ get away. Despite his lack of hygiene, he still manages to win over the most domesticated of ladies. It’s all in the tan baby.
posted on 3:31 pm 02/23/2007Movies | Comments (5) | Permalink |
Dystopia—it’s the new Utopia.
Quite brilliant, really, when you think about our current state of affairs and the increasing need to retreat into the cocoon of denial and escapism. Guillermo del Toro brings us this alternate, down-the-rabbit hole reality that just might be more trippy than Lewis Carroll’s gobbledygook for young children. Pan’s Labyrinth brings the magical realism that is Mexican filmmaking to the fore—and it dazzles like a vertiginous hallucination with colors and textures that jump off the screen. The cerebral teaser tagline, “What happens when make believe believes it’s real?” just might be oblique enough to make you pause and use the very squishy labyrinth that is your brain.
Pan’s Labyrinth is a tragically beautiful dreamscape that grows out of the carnage of the Spanish Civil War in 1944. The new trend in filmmaking seems inclined to harness the bucking bull of violence—not the Jackson Pollack, splatter paint/comic book bloodshed of Kill Bill and Pulp Fiction, but the kind of hole-in-your face, cannibalistic action that leaves you with your mouth rigidly clenched in “O.” FYI people: fatalistic beauty is in.
At the heart of the movie is a stoic young beauty, Ofelia (Ivana Baquero) who has mastered the art of the dreamy, yet pointed stare. Ofelia is either one precocious young chica, or she’s got some serious emotional baggage after her mother Carmen shacks up with the sadistic Fascist Captain Vidal. Nice work Mom.
Ofelia finds outlet in the stony walls that make up the tellurian labyrinth, discovering the Faun, who directs her to three tasks that will ensure her immortality. With off-putting opaque eyes, the tree-limbed Faun (played by the ever protean Doug Jones) is a creaky beast who oversees the entrance to the magical underworld. Heaven and Hell intersect in the tightly coiled walls of the labyrinth, which stands for all things polar and paradoxical. Conceived as preadmite—the maze is the figurative aborted maternal womb foreshadowing the fall of mankind.
The literary and mythology references run rampant, from the sinful seduction of food, to an Odyssean descent into the underworld. Physical deformity becomes the norm as products of the war and Ofelia’s imaginative surplus. A baby-eater with some impressive baggy skin post-natal-starvation is hands down the biggest freak out, certifiable enough to scare the bejeezus out of a grown adult. I have to wonder what kind of childhood Del Toro experienced to conjure up such a monstrosity. But nightmares schnightmares, it’s just harmless make believe right?
At times, the immediacy of Vidal’s warfare threatens to completely overtake the enchanted alternate world—I almost became disillusioned with the very reality of the movie itself. But Harry Potter, take note: this is magic when it’s all grown up, and it sure as heck beats the living daylights out of some prepubescent fantasy with wands. Now, just where is that damn rabbit hole?
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Have you seen the newest trailer for Transformers? It’s unbelievable. Not in the ultra-cool, Gen X/Y connotation of the word, but rather, “What the hell is Michael Bay thinking?” Precisely 17 seconds into the first real glimpse of the 80’s cartoon series-turned-another-movie we find Sam Witwicky, played by teen actor Shia LaBeouf (French for “No Real Career”), wearing a vintage The Strokes band t-shirt. I understand the movie’s fictionally centered around killer robots that morph into vehicles, but believing anyone still enjoys The Strokes enough to don the one hit wonders’ apparel six years after their debut is bovine fecal debris.
Michael Bay, why not sport a band with some real talent like Scissor Sisters or The Darkness? Either way, we know your too busy stroking your ego to remove Sam’s anachronistic apparel. That’s where C&V comes in. We decided to change the movie’s setting from 2007 to the correct year, 2001, when those “Last Night“-singing hacks scratched their nails on the chalkboard of America. Here’s what the above screenshot should look like. Take note Mr. Bay.
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Cryogenically preserved Walt Disney and his legion of animators have plagiarized some of the most memorable stories in cinematic history. From Pinocchio to Aladdin, I grew up watching a library of cartoon classics, and still, to this day, pawn off ownership of these movies to my sister whenever friends ask. Now, thanks to the digital clarity of Platinum Disney DVDs, I’ve noticed these movies in a whole new, post-pubescent way.
Those perky princesses and leading ladies are pretty damn attractive.
That being said, ever wonder what it’d be like to date one of these animated vixens (only because I live alone in a basement, do I). I’ve compiled a list of the 10 most captivating characters ever to come out of the rarely opened Disney Vault. Don’t worry. I’ve pondered the pros and contemplated the cons for each gal to create the most realistic study to date. Read on and see if you agree…
10. Belle
Where do I begin? For starters Belle’s a Frenchie which means she’s rude and uses liters of perfume to mask a deep-rooted inability to take a shower. Second point, and foremost, she’s into bestiality. There’s no way she knew Prince Typecast was going to turn into a human after the nauseating girl-on-animal make out scene. I don’t care how cute you are Belle, you got down and dirty with a wildebeest.
9. Jasmine
With almond eyes and onyx hair Jasmine’s got the looks and know-how to dress like she’s always ready for bed. As far as finances are concerned, she’s got enough money for you to stay at home and play video games all day in her Taj Mahal. Plus, unlike those girls who carry around irritating miniature dogs in designer bags, Jasmine’s got a full-grown tiger. Definitely a keeper.
8. Pocahontas
Pocahontas is an earthy chick who’s probably not too high maintenance. Things may start off well with the Injun Indian Native American until she ends her nomadic ways and tries to move into your place. Living together she’ll start squawking hippie propaganda and stop shaving her legs. Then, you’ll find out via mixed smoke signals that Pocahontas has dumped you and “switched tribes,” if you know what I mean.
7. Mulan
I once heard that “Asians are a race, not a fetish.” Mulan may appear to be sweet and innocent, but just look at her. The girl’s definitely a filthy nymphomaniac. I don’t care if her uncle invented fireworks, she puts the “nasty†in Ming Dynasty. In addition, the warrior princess parades around with a caged cricket and talks to an imaginary dragon. That makes her insane too. Hell no.
6. Jessica Rabbit
Witness the most scantily clad siren in the Disney catalogue. Not since Snow White’s unreleased 7-dwarf sex romp film has a bigger tramp been caught on celluloid. Truthfully, it’s Jessica’s apparent lust for all things moving that makes me dry heave the words “dirty” and “whore” in no particular gagging order. So, who framed Roger Rabbit? Who cares. Who avoided The Clap after a night with Jessica Rabbit? That’s the real story.
5. Cinderella
Cinderella’s a tease and a complainer. I can already hear her whining “my stepsisters tore my outfit…these shoes hurt my feet…take me home by midnight…I’m annoying.” Blah blah blah. Though Cinderella is quite domesticated when it comes to keeping a clean abode, I can’t get past the fact that the blonde’s friends with rats. You might as well bibbidi-bobbidi-boo “delusional” onto this prude’s lengthy list of negatives.
4. Jane
from Tarzan
Jane’s not as popular as the other Disney babes, but she’s rail thin and doesn’t mind if a guy wears a loincloth around the house. That might have won me over, but then I realized she’s voiced by none other than Hollywood’s favorite equine baritone, Minnie Driver.
3. Ariel
Let’s go ahead and get the mermaid’s obvious feature out of the way. Yes folks, Ariel’s a redhead. But hell, she wears a seashell-shaped bra around like it’s no big deal. And after she loses her token gay friend, Flounder, Ariel will become quite the catch. But be careful not to make a bad first impression. Take her to Red Lobster on the second date.
2. Esmeralda
from Hunchback of Notre Dame
You know what’s reassuring? Comprehending that if you, like Quasimodo, have a football-sized swelling on your right shoulder and a lazy eye that wanders like a caffeinated Down Syndrome kid without a leash, Esmeralda will still have the hots for you. She’s alluring and would date anyone or thing.
1. Lady
Hey, don’t judge. You know you’ve noticed those big, black eyes and a smile that won’t quit. I also dig that she eats without utensils. That’s a real woman. Plus, I needed a tenth bitch for the list.
posted on 7:47 am 12/06/2006Movies | Comments (6) | Permalink |
It doesn’t get any nitty-grittier, F-Yeah than this. Below is the first poster for Black Snake Moan from none other than Oscar-nominated Memphian/director, Craig Brewer (Hustle & Flow). You know we’ve come along way in the Civil Rights movement when we find an old black man (Samuel L. Jackson) with a shackled white trash skank (Christina Ricci). Ooooooh weee! And who knows what girly-voiced Justin Timberlake’s role is in this down south debacle. Black Snake Moan opens February 23, 2007.
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