Archive for the 'Headlines' Category

Smells Like Psychic BS by amit

Psychics. For some reason they fail to see they’re always wrong and completely unaware to the world we call reality. Take for example the man “South Park” dubbed as “The Biggest Douche in the Universe,” John Edwards (click here to see a picture from the award show). He’s the guy who could channel the thoughts of deceased family members from his gullible audience. He’s a complete fake and today he’s living under the I-75 bridge near Lexington, KY. But don’t fret, there’s a new cuckoo in town and her name is Victoria Bullis. According to her website, FullofMerde.net, she “became interested in metaphysics [after studying] Buddhism, feng shui, acupuncture, and Eastern mysticism.” Evidently, she gained the power to read minds after learning the delicate feng shui art in arranging her bean bag chairs in the living room. The stench of bullshit begins. When Bullis isn’t scarfing down twinkies and Chicago deep-dish pizzas, she finds time to chat it up with Tupac and Stuff magazine. Here’s an excerpt from her interview speaking for the voice of the late rap star:

Stuff: What do you think about all the rumors that you are still alive?
Victoria: One thing he’s worked on from the other side is compassion. Actually, here’s a message directly from him now, “People who do that, just let go. Move on with your own life and stop worrying about somebody’s who not here anymore.”

Tupac’s at his happiest when he’s not half an overweight white woman

Coincidentally, Victoria never heeded Tupac’s post mortem advice.

According to ContactMusic and Stuff Magazine, the tons of metaphysical fun Bullis recently talked to the late grunge rocker Kurt Cobain. She claims Cobain has “resolved his issues” after living as a “tortured soul.” Bullis also believes he lived in 16th century Europe, not as a musician, but as a manager of a dungeon. A dungeon! There Cobain allegedly forced several people to their deaths by suffocation. In another startling revelation Bullis deduces Cobain’s daughter, Fraces Bean, is a long lost relative of one of those souls and the reason “he has a lot of guilt about her.”

Artist rendition of Cobain’s 16th century sun room.

Finally, if the load of crap heap wasn’t high enough, Victoria Bullis piles on some more. She feels Cobain’s spirit inhabited “the body of a provocative early 20th century female trendsetter [and] plans to return to earth - as a great classical pianist.”

A classical pianist? Here’s a tune for you. From the lyrics of the great Southern rock band, Lynrd Skynrd, “Eeeew that smell…can’t you smell that smell? [That's Victoria's bullshit]” Come to think of it, Victoria, channel the spirit of Ronnie Van Zant next. C&V would love to hear about his previous lives. But seriously, Victoria, how you can keep breathing with all the BS coming out of your mouth is mind boggling. You’ve got no connection to Tupac, let alone Kurt Cobain. Why don’t you talk to someone who’s living. Like a shrink. Plus, can’t your psychic powers see that Stuff magazine is letting you post articles so the readers can laugh hysterically AT you? I guess your feng shui-based powers are limited. I’d like to conclude this rant just as you have on your website, which, by the way, is a sad attempt to be like the Hanso Foundation.

Namaste.

Dan’s two cents on Victoria Bullis: “Bullis sounds awfully like bullshit” and “what a cow.”

posted on 12:10 am 05/15/2006
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C&V Opens Mailbag by amit

Over past few years Celluloid and Vinyl has received thousands of fan letters, hate mail, and packages of animal parts all thanks to our high jinks of name calling and celebrity bashing. Today, we decided to finally open our mail and share a few of the gems from around the world.

Michelle Jabocs of Windsor, Ontario writes:

Dear Celluloid and Vinyl,
First off, I want to say I’m big fans of the website and try to read it when possible. It’s hard for me to get internet because we steal wireless from our neighbors in Detroit but you’re one of the few sites I go to.

Kate Holmes writes,

Dear Celluloid and Vinyl,
As everyone knows, I just had a beautiful baby girl named Suri (the name means alpaca) and Tom and I can’t be happier. My question is, now that I’ve churned out a baby, will I have stretch marks?

P.S. !moT morf em evaS
P.S.S. read the above backwards

Uhm..Kate..we aren’t really the venue for medical advice

posted on 2:15 pm 05/12/2006
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C&V 3.0 by candv

Today we’ve unveiled the third major update to Celluloid and Vinyl. First off you’ll notice the new color scheme of soothing dark blue flanking the hilarity found in the middle. We’re also debuting our official mascot, the C&V Rooster, in the upper right corner. The C&V Rooster has daily words of advice for all our readers to enjoy. Note how the Rooster has replaced Mother Wit. However, please be aware that Mother Wit still holds the prize spot as our “unoffcial” mascot.

posted on 12:10 am 05/08/2006
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My Two Indian Head Pennies: “American Idol” [UPDATE] by amit

The complaints have been pouring in on Dan’s article titled “Paris: Great City, Homeless Singer”, so let me address everyone with a piece I’m calling “My Two Indian Head Pennies.”

“American Idol.” I’ve always had reservations about the mega-hit FOX show. But now, after seeing the scalping Paris Bennett received last night, I’m down right red (with anger). I say shame on you non-native America. Don’t you realize there will be no peace pipe to smoke once riots erupt all over the nation? There’s no way to bury the tomahawk on pure hate. The road to equality will become an outright Trail of Tears, a Part Deux, if you will (read about Part Un), if racism continues unchecked. But I want to avoid a loin-cloth laden, spear chuckin’ war in the streets. A wise chief once said, “I have a dream catcher” and in keeping with the unholy spirit he believed in, I’m calling for the cancellation of the prejudice pow wow, better known as “American Idol.” Maybe one day I too will catch a dream and end the on-going hate that’s occurred well below the totem pole of mainstream America. Thank You.

UPDATE: Well slap me silly and call me Sacagawea. My dad just called and said I’ve got my races mixed up. It seams I’m writing about the wrong Indian (I still get confused). I’m the Asian sub-continent kind, not the “North America was our continent first” kind. How embarrassing. Ignore all that drunkin’ Injun talk up there.

My real two cents?

I like curries.

posted on 11:37 am 05/04/2006
Headlines, TV | Comments (1) | Permalink |

One Copy Or Two? by amit

Plagiarism. The word alone strikes more fear into the hearts of editors and writers than the a dual case of the chickenpox and the Clap. Two years ago, Kaavya Viswanathan, a Harvard sophomore, received a $500,000 two book deal from Dial Press at the ripe age of 17. Amazingly, Viswanathan’s first novel, “How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life” spent six weeks on the NY Times best-seller list and Dreamworks even acquired the movie rights. Then came Act III. According to CNN, Viswanathan’s (Sanskrit for “Xerox Machine”) book was yanked from the shelves after it was revealed several passages had “nearly identical” parts to not one, but two teenage romance novels, Sophie Kinsella’s “Can You Keep a Secret?” and Megan McCafferty’s “Sloppy Firsts” (the movie version is a personal fav). Here’s a comparison.

On page 213 of McCafferty’s book:

“He was invading my personal space, as I had learned in Psych. class, and I instinctively sunk back into the seat. That just made him move in closer. I was practically one with the leather at this point, and unless I hopped into the backseat, there was nowhere else for me to go.”

On page 175 of Viswanathan’s book:

“He was definitely invading my personal space, as I had learned in Human Evolution class last summer, and I instinctively backed up till my legs hit the chair I had been sitting in. That just made him move in closer, until the grommets in the leather embossed the backs of my knees, and he finally tilted the book toward me.”

Striking. There hasn’t been a biblio-brouhaha on this scale since the “Million Little Pieces”/Oprah scandal and the subsequent celebrity memoirs. Unlike CNN, C&V was able to get a few comments from Viswanathan about the controversy. When asked if she’d give two tips for aspiring young novelists, she replied, “CTRL + C, then, CTRL + P”. Writers with a word processor and a dream, take note.

posted on 11:38 am 05/02/2006
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