I don’t care what the G-ratings advertise, those buxomous, Barbie doll, mid-riff baring bodies on display by the various Disney princesses are the equivalent of softcore porn. Sure, the Disney princesses are hot, as Amit so lovingly pointed out to us earlier, but let’s get real: dweeby animators stuffed in dark subterranean areas are going to need an outlet for their, er, hyper-animated imaginations.
So, in the spirit of Disney magic, I’ve decided to turn the tables and do a counterpoint for Disney’s most enchanting leading blokes and beaus. Ladies, cream of the crop coming up, Open sesame!
Editor’s Note: Guys get jealous, what can we say? Just the thought of Lindsey salivating over these goofies made me almost angry enough to break something, do steroids, and buy a Hummer H2 (because I’m compensating). That’s why I decided to show Lindsey what these characters would look like in real life. Click each of the pics to discover their shocking real-world identities. -Amit
10. Aladdin
Clearly a salient choice, for any young, coffee-colored male running around topless in flowing white pants is the equivalent of a galloping Arabian stallion. His flying carpet also will make for some quality airborne shagging, dare I say mile-high club folks? His ball-tickler monkey Abu is also on hand to spice things up, and would be good to have around for petty theft in case your expensive tastes run counter to Aladdin’s economic standing.
9. Quasimodo
I just can’t get enough of Quasi’s there’s nothing like a hunchback with Mt. Rushmore for a backside that sets fire to a woman’s loins. This is truly a fine, unique male specimen. Plus, he swings from bell-towers and all.
8. Peter Pan
For you bi-nookie ladies, Peter Pan is one hot androgynous looking fairy. Pan fulfills every woman’s fantasy for a Prada buying, tight wearing, feather-in-his cap, flaming gay best friend. He shacks up with the Lost Boys, residing primarily to help them, um, find their way home. This is the way to go if you want to be the next Debra Lafave.
7. Triton
Now this is what I call a DILF. King Triton is the paradigm of male potency distilled and bottled, then distilled again. Those rippling pecs and fierce white beard, not to mention ownership of the ultimate phallic symbol the three pronged trident equals jackpot. Any guy that has a weapon and knows how to use it is golden on my list.
6. Hercules
He’s Greek, ’nuff said. Any character from classical lore (aka the days of public coital romper-room) that betters Michelangelo’s David is one orgiastic legend. Son of Zeus, Demi-God, and 12-pack abs with tawny golden locks are just a few of my favorite things. I don’t care if he wears a man-dress, he’s a HERO for godssake.
5. Simba
Can YOU feel the love tonight? This one hot cat cruises the Serengeti plains like a pimp rounding up his wildebeests. Hands down, best hair award goes to Simba—thank goodness we don’t have to worry about male pattern baldness (or some Viagra to go with it). And even better, he rolls just like Vince with his Warthog and Meekrat entourage.
4. Dopey
Having a history with mute men, I have a soft spot in my heart for Dopey. For a baby-faced shortie who “ain’t never tried to talk before,” Dopey is just off the charts on the cutie-meter. That dildo-in-a-hat somehow manages to perfectly accentuate his Dumbo flaps this is a guy with a few tricks that might belie his innocence.
3. Beast
Hunk-of-a-Bigfoot is a transformable human, AND he has a magic rose! Since he managed not to impale Beauty with his two razor sharp cuspids during their beastly makeout sessions, the animal gets mad props. See, Beauty really is more than skin deep—she just really likes to wear fur…
2. Pinocchio
After a short stint at “Pleasure Island” (AKA Herpes Harbor) that proves to be the film’s genuine storyline, Pinocchio confirms that he really isn’t a donkey in a “Boys Gone Wild” video. Baaaa. Any wooden toy that can make (visibly) real on his perky declaration: “Look Pa! I’m a REAL boy!” is just…well, special. And finally, the Disney animators decided not to sugarcoat human sexuality: it’s literally all in the “Fu@#-me-but-I’m-lying” face.
1. Tarzan
Living evidence that white men can’t jump is the most erroneous movie in Hollywood. A real swinger here ladies, don’t let this loin-clothed “I-only-speak-to-animals” playa’ get away. Despite his lack of hygiene, he still manages to win over the most domesticated of ladies. It’s all in the tan baby.
posted on 3:31 pm 02/23/2007Movies | |
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Hi,
Great article; you know I think I read a bit more on disney characters at Girl.com.au. It’s a great site, with lots of stuff, content and neat comps!
Cheers
February 23rd, 2007 20:26
girl.com.au sucks ass, raimi.
March 4th, 2007 18:02
what happened to prince charming from sleeping beauty and eric from little mermaid…mmm eric
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