Cryogenically preserved Walt Disney and his legion of animators have plagiarized some of the most memorable stories in cinematic history. From Pinocchio to Aladdin, I grew up watching a library of cartoon classics, and still, to this day, pawn off ownership of these movies to my sister whenever friends ask. Now, thanks to the digital clarity of Platinum Disney DVDs, I’ve noticed these movies in a whole new, post-pubescent way.
Those perky princesses and leading ladies are pretty damn attractive.
That being said, ever wonder what it’d be like to date one of these animated vixens (only because I live alone in a basement, do I). I’ve compiled a list of the 10 most captivating characters ever to come out of the rarely opened Disney Vault. Don’t worry. I’ve pondered the pros and contemplated the cons for each gal to create the most realistic study to date. Read on and see if you agree…
10. Belle
Where do I begin? For starters Belle’s a Frenchie which means she’s rude and uses liters of perfume to mask a deep-rooted inability to take a shower. Second point, and foremost, she’s into bestiality. There’s no way she knew Prince Typecast was going to turn into a human after the nauseating girl-on-animal make out scene. I don’t care how cute you are Belle, you got down and dirty with a wildebeest.
9. Jasmine
With almond eyes and onyx hair Jasmine’s got the looks and know-how to dress like she’s always ready for bed. As far as finances are concerned, she’s got enough money for you to stay at home and play video games all day in her Taj Mahal. Plus, unlike those girls who carry around irritating miniature dogs in designer bags, Jasmine’s got a full-grown tiger. Definitely a keeper.
8. Pocahontas
Pocahontas is an earthy chick who’s probably not too high maintenance. Things may start off well with the Injun Indian Native American until she ends her nomadic ways and tries to move into your place. Living together she’ll start squawking hippie propaganda and stop shaving her legs. Then, you’ll find out via mixed smoke signals that Pocahontas has dumped you and “switched tribes,” if you know what I mean.
7. Mulan
I once heard that “Asians are a race, not a fetish.” Mulan may appear to be sweet and innocent, but just look at her. The girl’s definitely a filthy nymphomaniac. I don’t care if her uncle invented fireworks, she puts the “nasty†in Ming Dynasty. In addition, the warrior princess parades around with a caged cricket and talks to an imaginary dragon. That makes her insane too. Hell no.
6. Jessica Rabbit
Witness the most scantily clad siren in the Disney catalogue. Not since Snow White’s unreleased 7-dwarf sex romp film has a bigger tramp been caught on celluloid. Truthfully, it’s Jessica’s apparent lust for all things moving that makes me dry heave the words “dirty” and “whore” in no particular gagging order. So, who framed Roger Rabbit? Who cares. Who avoided The Clap after a night with Jessica Rabbit? That’s the real story.
5. Cinderella
Cinderella’s a tease and a complainer. I can already hear her whining “my stepsisters tore my outfit…these shoes hurt my feet…take me home by midnight…I’m annoying.” Blah blah blah. Though Cinderella is quite domesticated when it comes to keeping a clean abode, I can’t get past the fact that the blonde’s friends with rats. You might as well bibbidi-bobbidi-boo “delusional” onto this prude’s lengthy list of negatives.
4. Jane
from Tarzan
Jane’s not as popular as the other Disney babes, but she’s rail thin and doesn’t mind if a guy wears a loincloth around the house. That might have won me over, but then I realized she’s voiced by none other than Hollywood’s favorite equine baritone, Minnie Driver.
3. Ariel
Let’s go ahead and get the mermaid’s obvious feature out of the way. Yes folks, Ariel’s a redhead. But hell, she wears a seashell-shaped bra around like it’s no big deal. And after she loses her token gay friend, Flounder, Ariel will become quite the catch. But be careful not to make a bad first impression. Take her to Red Lobster on the second date.
2. Esmeralda
from Hunchback of Notre Dame
You know what’s reassuring? Comprehending that if you, like Quasimodo, have a football-sized swelling on your right shoulder and a lazy eye that wanders like a caffeinated Down Syndrome kid without a leash, Esmeralda will still have the hots for you. She’s alluring and would date anyone or thing.
1. Lady
Hey, don’t judge. You know you’ve noticed those big, black eyes and a smile that won’t quit. I also dig that she eats without utensils. That’s a real woman. Plus, I needed a tenth bitch for the list.
posted on 7:47 am 12/06/2006Movies | |
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equine baritone! haha!!
ok, amit, now we girls need a male disney character list….
December 12th, 2006 00:51
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December 21st, 2006 18:17
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December 29th, 2006 13:17
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January 2nd, 2007 14:29
[...] I don’t care what the G-ratings advertise, those buxomous, Barbie doll, mid-riff baring bodies on display by the various Disney princesses are the equivalent of softcore porn. Sure, the Disney princesses are hot, as Amit so lovingly pointed out to us earlier, but let’s get real: dweeby animators stuffed in dark subterranean areas are going to need an outlet for their, er, hyper-animated imaginations. [...]
February 28th, 2007 05:33