An unwed Oprah Winfrey and “We’re-Not-Gay” Gayle King spent this past summer together on a cross-country road trip in celebration of “The Oprah Winfrey Show” completing its 20th year. The daytime demigoddess and “platonic” pal decided to chronicle their 10-day, 3,600 mile journey from Santa Barbara, CA to New York City in an online journal to be read by lonely housewives nationwide. Most sane Americans and C&V would have believed 18 pages about living on the road, finding the next Krispy Kreme or wondering why there’s no Waffle Houses west of the Rockies (rumored car talk) would have been mindless banter, but we were quick to judge. Take a trip with C&V as we ride “back seat” and hit upon the high roads and speed bumps of “Oprah’s and Gayle’s Big Adventure.”
Note: This synopsis is what actually happens according to the official Oprah website.
Before setting off, Oprah and Gayle realize a lengthy trip together could put a toll on their relationship. The ladies then decide to do what any normal adults would do to preserve their friendship, they “pinky swear.”
Before they’re even out of the zip code, Gayle has a confession. “I don’t know how to read a map,” she confides. Oprah silences her rage in a “That’s-okay-girlfriend” kind of way by noting a few of her interstate idiosyncrasies.
She loathes:
1. Unpaved roads
2. Intestates
3. Bumpy roads
4. Night driving
5. Merging
6. Driving over bridges.
7. Passing trucks.
8. Curvy roads
9. Going across bridges
Forty five minutes into their 14,400 minute journey, the stank of boredom permeates into the American-built sedan. The girl versions of Lewis and Clark decide it’s time for car games and pursue a convertible full of “studs” (C&V asks: horses or butch women?). After losing them, O & G decide to play an innocent game of “Would You Rather?”
Gayle starts the game with, “Would you rather urinate through your nose or smell things with your genitalia?” A flabbergasted Oprah retorts, “What are we, 11? I’m not playing this game, Gayle.” Thinking the game’s officially over, Oprah continues to drive when Gayle adds, “I think I might have to urinate through my nose. I know they’re both bad.”
Repeat Note: The above exchange is TRUE. Just wanted to remind the reader (click here for proof).
Observing the dense traffic of Southern California and changing the subject, Oprah notes “a lot of people in the world and a lot of them are out on this highway.”
Upset the game’s over, Gayle reclines her shotgun seat and begins to daydream into dementia…
“Yeah, we’re still moving, though,” Gayle says. “Are they barefoot, both of them?”
A stunned Oprah responds, “Both of who?”
“Oh, never mind,” Gayle says. “I think I was dreaming out loud.”
“Jeez, Gayle. You just laid your head down,” Oprah says. “I can’t believe you’re asleep already, for goodness’ sake—doing that crazy talk.”
The drive-by-damsels arrive at their first stop: Las Vegas’ luxurious hotel, The Wynn, and check in like normal people. Judging by the sunlight in the room, it’s 1:30 PM and the pair is pooped.
The ladies leave Las Vegas and tension mounts over Gayle’s gale like attempts to sing “My Girl” by the Temptations and Kelly Clarkson’s “A Moment Like This.” Oprah does her best to keep her cool.
Oddly enough the online journal fast forwards through nine days of their trip up to their arrival in New York. This gap is quite the consternation for C&V. Were vows exchanged in Vegas? Was there kissing in Kansas? Did Gayle take off her jersey in…..uhm…let’s see a state that start’s with “J” or rhymes with…I got nothing. In the end, Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King had a crazy and clandestine trip across the U.S. of A. Who knows what really happened. What C&V can confirm is their TransAmerican/Tranny look alikes. Thanks for the ride.
Celebrity Look Alikes, Headlines, News, TV | |
| 
