Most people experience movies in a plush theatre or from the comfort of their own home, but I witnessed last Saturday’s world premier of The Disney Channel’s The Cheetah Girls 2 while eating at the Ancient China buffet (they make a mean crab rangoon). The follow-up to Disney’s popular made-for-tv-movie The Cheetah Girls reunites characters Galleria, Chanel, Aquanette (also a hairspray brand name), and Dorinda in a musical adventure from New York City to Barcelona, Spain. Why Spain? The quartet has always hoped and dreamed to compete there in the New Voices of Musical Festival. Sadly, upon arrival to the once superpower country, intra-band turmoil ensues and morale reaches an all time low after seeing and hearing the tough competition, solo singer Marisol. The film then turns into a cinematic paella filled rare chunks of humor and slices of undercooked fun. I quickly lost appetite after being force fed several random musical sequences of the girls galavanting their way around the Spanish cityscape.
The songs are meant clarify and expand a story, but the girls’ computer modified voices couldn’t even carry a tune or a plot. This ruins the sequel’s pacing for what could have been an award-winning screenplay from Alison Taylor (The Cheetah Girls). Sloppy writing Alison. Real sloppy. 
To help the momentum, the foursome is joined by a “mysterious guitar-strumming” local named Angel (Spanish for closet queen) who provides the classical Spanish tones the group’s sub-par music desperately needs. Unfortunately, he’s drowned out by the overproduced Cheetah cacophony clinically proven to cause inner ear bleeding (ask your doctor before Netflix’ing this film). While watching this waste of celluloid, I thought to myself “Cheetahs are interesting animals, I’ll look them up on Wikipedia after I get my fill of General Tso’s chicken.” At home and digesting, I skimmed the entry and was astonished to learn that cheetahs can run up to 70 miles per hour. This fact caused quite the consternation when I tried to discover the meaning behind the group’s name. Nothing about the four Cheetah Girls’ sizes even suggest the concept of “moving” let alone “fast.”
For some reason Disney didn’t realize their target audience of young girls have images to uphold. How a company touting to own the “happiest place on Earth” can cast rotund actresses knowing full well teenage girls have to be less than 90 pounds if they want guys to talk to them, is beyond this reviewer and probably even world-renowned physicists Steven Hawking. I’m blow away why family focus groups haven’t sent an avalanche of hate mail to The Disney Channel for erroneously depicting 17 year olds. All in all, The Cheetah Girls 2 fails to pounce (Rotten Tomatoes, there’s your line). Sequels are always supposed to be equal or better than the original (e.g. Godfather II, Son of the Mask, and Terminator 2: Judgment Day), yet this TV-Movie doesn’t live up to it predecessor at all. Keep your fingers crossed Disney green lights another installment to round out the trilogy. Maybe the the plot will center around the girls trying to get a lucrative exercise video contract. Take notes screenwriter Alison Taylor.
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aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh ! eeeeeeeepppppppp!
YAY!
January 5th, 2008 11:46
they rock i love them
August 7th, 2008 11:34
i love all your music its so great chanel you go head girl i wish my cousings and ican be cheetah girl two iwish we can be everysingle movie
October 11th, 2008 17:22
i love all your music its so great chanel you go head girl i wish my cousings and ican be cheetah girl two i wish we can be in everysingle movie go ahed cheetahs
October 11th, 2008 17:24