An Introduction to C&V by dan

This past weekend the Celluloid and Vinyl team went down to the crossroads and struck a pact with the devil. Now I know it sounds bad. BUT our traffic has quadrupled. So, soul sold and traffic rolling in, we felt it would be a good time to drop a lesson in C&V. A sort of C&V 101, if you will. Where we explain exactly how things look through these rose colored glasses and how we view the world. And now, as the Diddy would say, “Come with me.”

Let’s begin by taking a simple interview with movie director, Kevin Smith.

Chubs poses atop his penthouse with a puppet of himself

Recently, Smith was giving a lecture at the ever prestigious, founded-by-Ben-Franklin, hallowed Ivy League halls of the University of Pennsylvania. What do you think he was talking about? That’s right. His hate for Reese Witherspoon. Here’s a real quote:

“I did vote for her for ‘Walk the Line’ because she was so good,” Smith confided. “I forgot how much I hated that cunt!”

What would make a man sully the reknown UPENN halls with such slander? The real answer is “only God knows,” but we here at C&V, embued with our recent crossroads transaction, have a guess. And that guess is this: Long ago, on an outing together, Witherspoon wouldn’t wear Smith’s “date costume” (pictured below).

That’s right. The “date costume” features a shrink wrapped logo of twinkie the kid and elbow pads…. Which, in and of itself isn’t that funny. I’m just saying he’s fat.

Next up, we’ll take a picture and show you two captions. First, the real caption. Next, the c&v take. Behold:

Real Caption: “Jessica Simpson caught mid-sneeze”
C&V Caption: “Simpson tries swallowing her eyeballs”
Now, there are some other C&V angles. Captions like “After one Tequiza” or “That’s the spot… Right there” would have also worked, but, again, this is purely for instructional purposes.

And finally, let’s demonstrate our ability to find outlandish photos. There’s Hermione drinking. There’s Clay Aiken making out with a Giraffe. And there’s Star Jones buying a honeybaked ham franchise.

In closing, we’d like to rattle off a list of our favorite articles.
First, Star Jones… in comic form.
Next, 24 American Idol look alikes.
Then, David Hasselhoff, wife beater.
Then, Our interview with John Densmore, drummer of “The Doors.”
And finally, “Haley Joel Osment: A Life In The Toilet”

Also folks, don’t forget that if you click on the giant floating head of Mother Wit, you’ll get 4 new mixed drink recipes every day. And now, i’ll leave you with one of my favorite captions ever.

Dawson answers her foot

posted on 2:48 pm 03/27/2006
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